Ultimate Trust
by Schattengestalt
Summary: Severus is confronted with his most painful memories and has to decide whether or not he trusts Harry enough to tell him about his past. HP/SS


**Author`s Notes**: Firstly, please note that this OS is the latest One-Shot of my "Ultimate" series and it might make more sense if you read the other One-Shots first, but as long as you keep in mind that Harry and Severus are together since Valentine`s Day and have made quite some progress in their relationship, you might still be able to fully enjoy the story.

By the way, I`ll be away on holiday **from June, 30th to July, 21th**, so if I don`t respond to any reviews or messages, then it`s because I don`t have access to the Internet and not because I don`t want to respond.^^

**Appreciation**: This OS wouldn`t be the same without **YenGirl**, who invested plenty of time to beta this story and improved it significantly.^^

**Warning: **There are mentions of non-con in this OS. So, if you don`t like such themes, then don`t read that OS!

**Ultimate Trust**

It was cold.

Harry muttered sleepily, feeling the cold air brush over his bare skin. He didn't want to wake up just yet. The dream he was having was so wonderful and he wanted to know if Severus would really allow him to bathe in his new cauldron.

With eyes still closed and determined to go back to sleep, Harry reached for the covers to draw them closer... or would have done so if there were any covers in the first place.

Green eyes sprang open.

His vision was blurry, but Harry saw enough to know that he wasn't in his dormitory up in Gryffindor Tower. The light that came through the charmed windows – charmed with the same spell as the ceiling of the Great Hall – indicated that it was early morning.

A small smile crossed Harry's lips as he gazed around at the by now familiar surroundings. The walls were bare except for the green Slytherin pennant that graced the wall on his right, but both were enough indications for him to know that he was in Severus' bedroom.

Harry chuckled to himself. Maybe he should suggest for Severus to put a red Gryffindor pennant next to his Slytherin one. The certain to be horrified expression on the man's face should be amusing if nothing else!

A shiver running through Harry's body reminded him of why he had woken up in the first place. He looked around to find the missing covers and a surprised grin spread over his face.

Who would have thought that Severus was someone to curl up in his sleep and take all the covers with him in the process?

Harry shifted closer to him, the discomfort of being exposed to the cold air forgotten the moment he laid eyes on Severus' relaxed form. Up until now, he had never really had the chance to watch his lover sleep, but he vowed doing so more often from now on.

Since Severus was lying on his left side with his back facing him, Harry leaned over him to look at his face. Never before had he seen Severus looking so relaxed!

Most of the time Harry saw him was during class so it was only to be expected that the Potions Master wouldn't let his stern mask slip in front of his students. Even in his own quarters, he rarely let his guard down. He looked at Harry more openly nowadays and even smiled at him sometimes, but there was always something cautious in his expression. Now, his features were untroubled, the usual frown on his forehead smoothed away and there was even a small smile hovering around the corners of his lips.

Harry's finger traced over a lean cheek. A contented sigh escaped those parted lips, causing Harry to smile in surprise. He had heard Severus shouting in anger, confessing in a breaking voice and even moaning with desire, but he had never heard him utter such a... soft sound.

Harry next ran his fingers through the soft inky strands of Severus' hair. Deeply asleep, the Potions Master seemed more vulnerable than usual. Of course, Harry might just be imagining things and would never tell Severus of his thoughts, but the sight of that sleeping, peaceful face made him want to protect the man from every possible harm.

That was a silly wish. Severus was more than capable of defending himself, but that knowledge didn't change Harry's feelings. He laid a hand on Severus' shoulder, intending to steal some of the covers back and was surprised when his lover turned around to lie on his back at the light touch.

Harry blinked. Was Severus waking up?

Obviously not, if his deep and even breathing was any proof. Wonderful. Severus was warm and comfortable while he himself was getting colder every minute.

Harry frowned. He could use _Wingardium Leviosa _to lift the covers and... wait a minute. A sly grin spread over his features. Why should he even go back to sleep when he had the chance to do other things instead?

Severus had taught him enough about wandless magic that he was now able to perform a simple spell without his wand.

The grin on Harry's face grew wider. Maybe the Sorting Hat had been right and he would have become a formidable Slytherin if given the chance to prove himself.

Harry lifted the covers without a single word and banished them to the foot of the bed. Then he held his breath.

Severus murmured something in his sleep, but didn't wake up.

Harry chuckled. If anyone could see the feared Potions Master right now, sleeping and completely naked with lips slightly parted... they would probably get a heart attack.

For Harry, the sight of his naked lover only succeeded in making heat rush to his lower regions, driving the cold away. They had slept together a few more times since Severus' birthday three weeks ago, but it was always the Potions Master who claimed him and not vice versa.

Harry didn't mind that. Not in the least. He loved every second of their lovemaking, but that didn't mean that he didn't wish to claim Severus in turn. It wasn't because of foolish male pride, but because he wanted to make the man his, in every possible way.

Harry hadn't dared to voice out his wish yet, but he felt that now was as good a time as any other to take the initiative. Carefully, he shifted about on the bed until he was kneeling over Severus.

Hovering over his lover, Harry tried to decide on the best way to go about it. He didn't want to take advantage of Severus while the man was still sleeping, so it was out of the question to touch him too intimately.

Harry frowned and then nodded to himself as a great idea came to his mind. He had never enjoyed fairy tales that much and he didn't know why he remembered the story of Sleeping Beauty now, but at least it helped him to come up with an idea to wake Severus... although his version of a true love's kiss wasn't going to be as innocent as the one in the fairy tale.

Suppressing a chuckle, Harry bent his head, pressing his lips to Severus' neck and sucking on the sensitive skin. He heard a soft moan and glanced up to see Severus' eyelids fluttering. The man was on the brink of waking up, but not fully.

Harry smiled and kissed his way over Severus' neck to his jaw, running a finger over the tempting lips of his lover.

"Harry."

Hot breath brushed against Harry's hand and joyful green eyes met sleepy dark ones.

"It's all right, Severus," Harry murmured and kissed him.

The Potions Master blinked, but otherwise didn't do anything to stop his young lover.

"You're so sexy when you're sleeping."

Severus frowned. "And so you decided to wake me before you were tempted to do something else, right?"

Harry chuckled. "Maybe I woke you up because I _wanted_ to do something else." He pressed his half-erect member against Severus' abdomen, so that there would be no doubt of his intention.

"Harry..." Severus' voice sounded raspy. He raised his arms and reached for Harry's shoulders, but the young Gryffindor captured his wrists easily and pinned them down on the mattress.

"Don't you like to wake up like this?" Harry teased his lover and leaned in for another kiss. He saw something dark flicker in the depths of Severus' eyes and stopped, not knowing what he had just seen.

It looked like fear... but that didn't make any sense. Why would Severus be afraid of a kiss?

Harry didn't have time to think about it anymore because Severus had pulled his hands free and pushed him right off. Yelping in surprise, Harry fell backwards and sat down hard on his backside.

Blinking in surprise, he realized that Severus didn't want to be kissed. Harry shook his head. That didn't make any sense!

"Severus," he started only to freeze when he saw Severus leaning against the headboard, eyes half closed and lips pressed into a thin line. Drops of sweat were glistening on his forehead and fine tremors shook his whole body.

Harry stared at him. Never before had he seen Severus look like that. It frightened and pained him at the same time to see the normally proud man in such a state.

"Severus?"

As though he were approaching an injured animal, Harry inched closer and touched Severus' shoulder. When the eyes snapped open, the haunted look in them made an icy chill clenched at Harry's heart.

OOO

Severus tried to regain control over his trembling body, disgusted at himself. He had been a spy for over fifteen years! How could he have survived all these years without making Voldemort doubt his loyalty if he could break down at just a simple touch from his lover?

But of course, Severus thought bitterly, it wasn't Harry's fault that he was behaving like a frightened child.

"Severus?"

The worried green eyes were still staring at him. It was more than obvious that Harry didn't know why he was behaving so strangely.

Merlin, how could he? Severus sneered at himself. He hadn't told Harry about... _it_. He wouldn't do so now.

Harry might be a very understanding and loving young man, but Severus doubted that he would be able to look at him the same way once he knew the truth.

An icy chill crept into Severus' heart. It didn't matter to him how the other students, his colleagues or even Albus looked at him. They could spit on the ground he walked on for all he cared, but if there was even the merest hint of distaste in Harry's eyes, then...

Severus shuddered.

No, he couldn't tell Harry about it even though deep down, he knew that his lover deserved to know the truth. Deserved to know what kind of man Severus was after the young Gryffindor had given him not only his heart, but his body as well.

Nonetheless, Severus kept silent. His dark eyes focused on a spot on the wall behind Harry as he forced a reassuring smile to his face.

"It's all right, Harry. I'm just not used to being awakened like that."

Harry frowned. "I don't think that's all there is to it."

Ten points to Gryffindor for seeing past the mask of a Slytherin and fifty points from Gryffindor for making the Head of Slytherin even more uncomfortable, Severus thought.

Why did Harry have to be so observant right now? Why couldn't he just accept Severus' excuse and go back to sleep?

But no, that wasn't fair. It wasn't Harry's fault that his lover couldn't let go of his past. If Severus had known what his young lover was planning to do, he could have prepared himself in order to endure whatever it was that Harry wished to do to him.

Severus swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut.

_I always wondered how you would look like if I did that to you, _a cruel voice echoed in his mind. Images of even more cruel touches started to replay in Severus' mind's eye. Cold sweat ran down his face. A bitter taste filled his mouth, making him gag.

"Severus!"

Harry's voice sounded panicked, but Severus couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. Warmth seeped into his body when the covers were drawn up to his abdomen. A comfortable weight leaned against his side and a gentle hand brushed the sweaty strands of hair off his forehead.

Severus swallowed. With sheer willpower, he pushed the memories back and forced himself to calm down before meeting Harry's gaze.

The young Gryffindor looked even worried now. Severus cursed his thoughtlessness. His young lover shouldn't have to comfort him when all he had wanted to do was to have some fun in bed together.

"Harry, I'm..."

"Don't you dare say you're fine!"

Harry glared at him and if it weren't for the serious circumstance, Severus would have been impressed. The young man was learning fast.

"Maybe I'm not fine then," Severus tried a different tactic. "But it's nothing you need to worry about. I overreacted, that's all."

If they were in class, he would have deducted points from Gryffindor for the stubborn way Harry shook his head.

"No, that's not all! You don't normally overreact, Severus," he said. Then his eyes widened. "Did I do something wrong?"

Severus looked away and shook his head. "No, you didn't."

Silence filled the room.

Severus felt Harry's gaze on him, but he kept staring down at the white covers. It was obvious that Harry was waiting for him to say something else, but he... he couldn't.

Minutes ticked by and a frustrated sigh sounded close to Severus' right ear.

OOO

Harry couldn't remember ever being this worried before. No, not even when Tom Riddle had taken Ginny down to the Chamber of Secrets.

Frightened, yes, but at least he had known what to do back then... had the chance to do something!

Harry sighed in frustration. Anyone could tell that Severus was far from being fine. The man looked like the walking Death. Every last hint of color was drained from his face and there were more drops of sweat glistening on his forehead.

Harry laid a careful hand on Severus' shoulder. The skin felt clammy and cold. Even though they were in the damp dungeons, Harry doubted it was a consequence of the chilly air. He knew that form of coldness. His skin felt like that too, after he suffered one of his nightmares about Voldemort.

A shiver of unease ran through Harry's body. He couldn't imagine what sort of memories could frighten the strong-willed Potions Master so much, but it had to be a past experience that haunted the man right now.

Harry knew the symptoms; he had been there before.

"Why don't you want to tell me, Severus?"

Harry knew that he should probably stop questioning him. After all, he himself didn't like to talk about his nightmares, not even with Ron and Hermione. Nonetheless, he felt that it was important to talk this out with Severus, probably more important than every other talk they had had before.

"There is nothing to talk about."

"Right!" Harry snapped at him. "You always look as if a Basilisk is lying next to your bed, waiting for you to open your eyes. You're shaking like a leaf!"

Harry regretted his words the moment they left his mouth especially when Severus flinched as if he had been slapped. He lowered his head even more.

Damn, Harry cursed silently. Why had he said that? If he didn't like someone stating how vulnerable he was, then Severus had to hate it even more.

"Severus, look," Harry took hold of the cold hand that still lay on top of the covers. "I don't want to humiliate you."

He tried to meet the dark eyes, but Severus refused to look up, so he continued, "I'm worried, because I love you. I want to know what's hurting you, so that I can help."

When Severus still didn't respond, Harry tore at his own hair with his free hand. He loved Severus, but the Potions Master's stubbornness would kill him one day.

"Don't you trust me?"

Harry hated the pleading note in his voice... and he hated it even more when Severus persisted in imitating a statue. He gulped. It hurt. Severus' rejection hurt a lot. Nevertheless, the rational part of Harry's mind told him that he should give his lover some time to order his thoughts.

"I'll leave you alone then," Harry murmured. He had just withdrawn his hand from Severus' before long fingers closed around his wrist, stopping him from leaving.

"Don't go!"

OOO

Severus hated how weak his voice sounded even to his own ears. He had never pleaded for anything. He ordered, demanded and even politely asked if necessary, but he never pleaded.

_Never._

But Severus couldn't let Harry go just like that. He gripped his wrist even harder and drew him close until their naked shoulders touched. The contact calmed his nerves, allowing him to release Harry's wrist so that he could intertwine their fingers instead.

"I'll tell you everything, but you... have to promise not to interrupt me."

Severus looked at Harry who nodded and squeezed his hand encouragingly. He swallowed against a tight throat, his gaze lingering on Harry a little longer before dropping to the bed again.

This could very well be the last time they spent together. Severus doubted that Harry would want to be with him any longer once he knew the truth. He couldn't bring himself to look at his lover when he finally started speaking, sharing his darkest memories with him.

OOO

"It took place during the summer holidays, after the Triwizard Tournament."

"You had to pretend that you were working for Voldemort again."

Severus growled.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you!"

Severus gave a brief nod, knowing that Harry was probably expecting to hear a story about a typical torture session with Voldemort. He sneered to himself. It had been torture all right, but the Dark Lord wasn't responsible for it, at least, not directly.

"You might imagine that Voldemort didn't trust me at first. He believed me when I said that I wanted to serve him again, but he... wasn't about to welcome me back into his inner circle of trusted Death Eaters again, so soon."

Severus took a deep breath.

That part was easy to talk about. It wasn't the first time he had revealed the events directly following the Triwizard Tournament to someone. Albus knew about the troubles he had in winning back Voldemort's trust... although even he didn't know to what extent Severus had gone to become a trusted Death Eater again.

"Voldemort accepted Lucius Malfoy and the others, who claimed that they had been under the influence of the Imperius curse, but since I claimed that I was a spy for Dumbledore all along, he didn't want to share his plans with me."

Severus fisted the hand that wasn't holding Harry's.

If it hadn't been for that madman, who had more similarities with his beloved Nagini than with an actual human being, none of this would have happened.

"We - the Order – couldn't afford the time to wait until he decided to trust me again, so..." Severus swallowed hard. "I asked a favor of Amycus Carrow, one of his most feared and loyal Death Eaters."

Harry had grown very still beside him although Severus could still feel the piercing green gaze on him. But whatever Harry expected to come next could never be as bad as the truth.

"Amycus agreed to testify to Voldemort that I had behaved like a good Death Eater all those years, as best as I could, with Dumbledore watching me."

"But you hadn't!"

It wasn't a question, but a statement. It warmed Severus to know that Harry didn't think the worst of him... not yet, at least.

"No, I hadn't, but that didn't matter to Amycus. It was far more important for him to get what he wanted from me in return than to think about my real motives."

Severus shrugged.

"He probably assumed that I wanted my old position and my power back and I let him believe that."

He stopped talking then, his dark orbs staring unseeingly at the wall across the room.

"Severus?" Harry's thumb ran lightly over his palm. "What did he want from you in return?"

A shiver ran through Severus' body as suppressed memories started to surface again.

_The plan had been successful. Voldemort trusted Severus again and the Potions Master was able to share some important information with Albus. Amycus had probably told Voldemort about some imagined Muggle torture sessions in which Severus had been involved._

_It was pathetic that that was enough to convince the Dark Lord that someone was on his side, but Severus wouldn't complain. He had gotten what he wanted and now... he had to pay the price for it._

"Amycus appointed me to meet with him at his home."

Severus grimaced when he remembered the ramshackle hut that the Death Eater lived in.

"I didn't know what he wanted from me then."

And not for the first time, Severus asked himself if he would have been willing to accept their contract if he had known before what awaited him.

"_I hope my home doesn't disappoint you, Severus?"_

_Severus shrugged and shook his head at the same time. He wouldn't want to live here, but he certainly wouldn't say that out loud._

_Amycus examined Severus for a few moments and a predatory glint appeared in his eyes. Despite his stoic expression, Severus had to suppress a shudder along with the uneasy feeling that settled in his stomach._

_Amycus probably only wanted some sort of illegal potion for himself, nothing for Severus to worry about._

"_Come!"_

_Severus frowned. He didn't like being ordered around like that, but he followed Amycus nonetheless. It wouldn't do him any good if he showed signs of insubordination now._

_Severus' frown deepened when they reached their destination._

"The room he led me to was a bedroom."

Harry gasped, but Severus gave him credit for not pulling away at once although he must have guessed what had happened next. Perhaps Harry was just in shock. Severus wouldn't blame him in the least if the young man fled from his rooms as soon as he heard the whole story.

_It only needed one swift movement of Amycus' wand to undress Severus. The Potions Master swallowed against a suddenly dry throat. He never thought that it would come to this, that Amycus was interested in men... or in anyone besides his sister for that matter._

_A red tongue darted out between Amycus' lips as his eyes wandered over Severus' naked body._

"_You know, I always wondered why you're such a proud bastard."_

_The Death Eater chuckled to himself and Severus had to withstand the urge to curse the man._

"I could have defeated him." Severus let out a shuddering breath. "Amycus is a bastard, but he isn't very strong. I could have cursed him and left, but I... decided against it."

Dark eyes closed for a brief moment. It would be all too easy to tell Harry that Amycus had forced him into doing what he wanted. Harry might even pity him, but Severus couldn't bring himself to lie. His young lover deserved to know the truth. He deserved to know the truth about the man he had fallen in love with.

"_You're really ugly, Severus!"_

_Amycus laughed quietly and circled the Potions Master once, before coming to stand in front of him again._

"_Our Dark Lord probably only wants you to be near him, so that he doesn't appear so bad looking by comparison!"_

_Severus clenched his hands into tight fists. Amycus only intended to provoke him, he knew__that. Nevertheless, the insidious words burned like acid and he had to fight the urge to cover himself with his hands._

_That wouldn't make any difference anyway. Amycus had seen him naked now and Severus wasn't naïve enough to believe that this was the only price he had to pay for Amycus' help._

_As if the Death Eater had read his thoughts – although Severus knew that was impossible – Amycus banished his own clothes only a moment later._

"_Now we will have some fun, Severus!"_

_The Potions Master felt like throwing up when those disgusting hands started to wander over his body before pushing him towards the bed._

"_I'm curious to see how long it will take until you break."_

"I assume that he took a potion to increase his virility, otherwise he never would've lasted so many hours."

Severus' voice sounded strange even to his own ears. He was thankful that he managed not to give into the urge to break down and cry. He didn't want Harry to think him even more pathetic than he already did.

Severus closed his eyes against the flow of memories that threatened to suffocate him. He refused to remember every detail of his ordeal, but there was one memory he couldn't force back.

_He hurt._

_Severus grabbed hold of the bedsheets as Amycus drove into him again and again. He could feel his own blood trickling down his trembling thighs. He pressed his lips together, suppressing a whimper when Amycus' cruel thrusts tore open old wounds that had barely stopped bleeding._

_Severus didn't know how many times Amycus had taken him. Probably the same number of times he had wanted to die of shame and humiliation. He only knew that like everything else, even the worst things, would eventually end and he just had to wait until Amycus grew bored of him._

"_I always wanted to know what's behind that stoic mask of yours," Amycus laughed madly and plunged into Severus again. The Potions Master couldn't hold back the pained hiss that escaped past his lips his time._

"_You don't have anything to be proud of and yet you are."_

_Amycus caught Severus' wrists with his hands and pinned them over his head to the bed, leaning over him._

"_You have nothing now, Severus, because even your pride doesn't belong to you anymore!"_

"_You. Are. Nothing!" Amycus drove into him again and again, punctuating each cruel word with a vicious thrust. He finally came with a loud cry, seating himself deep inside Severus and making the Potions Master want to throw up._

_And that was exactly what he did... later, much later. After Amycus was finally finished with him and let him go._

"Obviously, my performance disappointed Amycus, since he never asked me to come to him again before my true alliance with Dumbledore was revealed."

Severus couldn't help the cynical tone in his voice. It was his last protective barrier. Without it, he feared he wouldn't be able to hold back the burning sensation in his eyes for much longer.

He was so pathetic! A grown man on the brink of tears because of one brutal encounter, which he couldn't even classify as rape since he had agreed to it.

If he had dealt with his fears sooner, he wouldn't have reacted to Harry's touch the way he had. Harry wouldn't need to learn about the tainted past of his lover and he wouldn't be forced to make a decision now.

Severus bit his lower lip hard until he tasted blood. The physical pain helped him to push the horrible memories away, his mind clearing until he became aware of the silence beside him. He ran a trembling hand through his hair. Perhaps it was a good sign that Harry hadn't started shouting yet, but it was also a concern that he hadn't reacted at all.

Preparing himself for the worst, Severus turned his head to the right and looked at Harry for the first time since talking of his ordeal.

Green, glistening eyes returned his gaze and the shock in them was as obvious as the tears that ran down those pale cheeks.

OOO

Harry was crying quietly. He didn't know when the tears had started to fall and he didn't care. All he cared about was this man sitting beside him, his hand trembling in his grasp as he shared his most painful memories.

Harry never thought that there would be a day when he would come to hate someone even more fiercely than he hated Voldemort. But now, he did.

Voldemort might be the root of all evil, but that... _bastard_, Amycus, had decided for himself to torture... to _rape_ Severus. Not Voldemort.

Harry blinked and returned the searching gaze of his lover. Unshed tears were glistening in those expressive dark eyes and it cost Harry all his willpower not to grab his wand and go looking for Amycus that very instant. He was certain that he could muster enough strength to cast _Avada Kedavra_at him, but Severus was more important than any revenge.

Harry could see that the man was doing an admirable job of holding himself together, but not for long. He saw Severus open his mouth and close it without saying anything. He saw him shake his head and close his eyes for a brief moment before opening them again.

Harry gulped. Never before had he seen so many different feelings mirrored in those dark orbs. There was so much pain and hurt, but also anger and hate and... fear.

Harry blinked, causing more tears to spill onto his cheeks. Fear? What did Severus have to be afraid of when...?

Memories of Severus throwing him out of his rooms, of confessing his love and uncertainty came back to Harry's mind. Severus had always been afraid of his rejection because he didn't believe himself worthy of his love.

If he thought that before, then...

"I won't blame you, if you want to go..."

Harry didn't give Severus the chance to finish his sentence. Spinning around, he threw his arms around Severus' neck and kissed him. The kiss tasted of blood and the salt of tears, but Harry poured all his love and care for Severus into it.

Even after the kiss ended, Harry refused to let go of him. Instead, he shifted them around until they were lying face to face with the covers drawn around them.

Gently, Harry traced Severus' lips with his index finger.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

Harry saw the dark eyes widen, but Severus still refused to let his tears fall.

"What for?"

Harry frowned. Was that fear he could hear in Severus' voice? Was he thinking that Harry was sorry they were lovers? That wasn't true at all!

"That you had to endure that. That I wasn't there to help you, that no one was there to help you and..."

A new thought struck Harry and it was something that made his stomach churn.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell the Headmaster that he shouldn't let you go back to Voldemort after the Triwizard Tournament. If I had, then..."

A finger on his lips silenced Harry.

"Albus wouldn't have listened to you. Besides, it's not your fault that Voldemort came back or... that I decided to... _submit _to Amycus."

At those last three words, Severus' voice shook with self-hatred.

"I'm the one who should be sorry... and that I can't be the lover you deserve."

"No," Harry whispered, his voice thick with tears. "That's not true. Stop saying that! You deserve to have anyone you choose and... that bastard didn't deserve to even look at you."

For one moment Harry thought that his words had somehow reached Severus, but then the man shook his head.

"I don't deserve you, Harry. I'm tainted and whatever you might try to make yourself believe, I decided to let Amycus... _fuck _me. I'm the only one to blame!"

Harry took a shaky breath. He hated hearing Severus talk about himself like that. He hated seeing the pain in those dark eyes without knowing how to erase it.

"You're not to blame. You didn't have a choice!"

Severus sighed and lowered his gaze to Harry's chest. "I had a choice, Harry. I could have cursed him, but I didn't, because..."

"Because you didn't want to risk that bastard going to Voldemort and telling him something that might very well cost your life. You wanted to get Dumbledore the information he needed, because you want to defeat Voldemort!"

"Yes."

Harry was surprised that Severus agreed with him until he continue, "And it was all in vain. I'm no longer a spy and..."

"No!" Harry gripped Severus' chin, forcing his lover to look at him. "It wasn't in vain. Your information saved many members of the Order on numerous occasions, Remus told me that."

Harry managed a faint smile at Severus' grimace. Even now, his lover couldn't stand the two remaining Marauders.

"That bastard took advantage of your need for help to get close to Voldemort again. He's the only one to blame and I," Harry's voice shook with pure anger. "I hope that I'll meet him before this war is over... and I think _Avada Kedavra _is too merciful a death for him!"

Severus stared at him and Harry saw a disbelieving yet hopeful look enter in his eyes. It made him smile through his tears and he leaned forward to kiss Severus briefly on the lips.

"I love you, Severus. Nothing will ever change that."

"Harry..." A choked sob escaped past Severus' lips as his arms went around Harry, drawing the young man as close to him as possible.

Harry felt hot tears falling onto his shoulder as Severus buried his face in the curve of his neck. Heaving a deep sigh, he held him close and let him sob out the pain that he had hidden for far too long.

OOO

The room was silent, expect for the even breathing of the two men.

Severus had stopped crying a while ago, but Harry couldn't bring himself to let him go. Even when Severus tried to break free of his hold, the young Gryffindor didn't loosen his embrace.

Severus finally gave up and they lay together in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Every now and then, Harry ran his fingers through Severus' hair and reaped a contented sigh in return. They hadn't spoken a word since Severus' breakdown, but they didn't need to.

Severus still had his face nestled against the curve of Harry's neck, his arms thrown around the young man's waist. That action told Harry that he was somehow embarrassed of his tears, that his cheeks would likely be a deep crimson if he lifted his face.

As it was, Harry allowed Severus to remain snuggled against him so that he could regain his composure, stifling a sigh when Severus tightened his hold on him even more. Harry didn't doubt that his lover had finally accepted the fact that Harry would never abandon him, but he also suspected that it would take some time until Severus fully overcame his trauma.

Harry blinked hard. He wouldn't cry now. As horrible as Severus' past experience was, he knew that his lover wouldn't appreciate his tears now. No, it would only make the Potions Master feel guiltier, although nothing had been his fault.

Harry shook his head sadly. It was _his_ fault. Not the ordeal Severus had to live through, but the fact that he had to go through that ordeal again. If Harry hadn't...

"I'm sorry."

Red rimmed, but surprisingly clear black eyes looked up at him in confusion.

"If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have had to think about that... bastard and..."

The look in those dark eyes silenced Harry. There was still shame, anger and hate, but also a quiet hope that seemed to radiate from Severus' very soul.

"The memories I shared with you are... horrible, Harry, and I wish I could forget everything that happened," the Potion Master stopped his young lover from responding by holding up a hand. "Nevertheless, I'm kind of... glad that you gave me the chance to... deal with them."

A haunted look overshadowed the dark orbs, but Severus continued. "I should have dealt with them sooner, but I... was too afraid to admit my shame even to myself."

"It's not a shame! You don't have to blame yourself for..."

Harry stopped as Severus shook his head. Okay, he would let the man finish his speech first then, but Harry refused to allow him to think so little of himself. No matter what it cost him, Harry would Severus make believe what a wonderful man he was.

"I'm glad that you said that," Severus returned Harry's suspicious gaze openly. "I really am, but it doesn't change how I've felt all this time... and still do. Maybe I'll feel different about it one day... if you help me."

The last part was more a question than a statement. Harry nodded encouragingly. Of course, he would help to overcome those inappropriate feelings. There was nothing he would enjoy more than seeing those dark eyes look at him without that heartbreaking uncertainty.

"You'll never get rid of me, Severus. I promise."

Instead of a snarky retort, the Potion Master only smiled, relieved.

"Thank you, Harry."

New tears glistened in the depths of those eyes, but Severus blinked them away before they could fall. They both kept silent for a while. The clock chimed the hour somewhere in the living room, but they ignored it.

It was a Saturday and no one would wonder where they were... and even if it was a week day, Harry wouldn't get up and leave Severus alone. The rest of the world didn't matter as long as he was with his lover.

"I only wanted to give you back some of the things that you gave to me," he said after a while.

Severus blinked in confusion.

"Well," Harry tried again. "I always enjoy it when we... sleep together. I never feel like I have to submit to you, but I... I don't know, I feel like I'm whole again and I..."

Fierce heat washed into Harry's cheeks. "I wanted you to feel the same. But I understand now, if you don't want to!" he added hastily, before Severus got the wrong impression.

More seconds that felt like an eternity ticked by. Harry almost regretted his outburst when his lover finally responded.

"I want to."

Green eyes widened in surprise.

"But you... I mean... Are you sure?"

Severus chuckled.

"Don't be stupid, Harry. It's not like Amycus was the first one to... well, you know."

Harry had never before seen his lover blushing like that and he came to the conclusion that the color fitted Severus better than his usual paleness.

"It's just... that experience has hit me harder than I thought and I haven't done it since then." The color in Severus' cheeks deepened. "Never mind, but I know how it can feel like and that it isn't normally a bad feeling."

Green and dark eyes met.

"I want you to take me, Harry."

The young Gryffindor gulped. His throat was very dry all of a sudden when he returned Severus' gaze. Of course Harry wanted to claim his lover, but he didn't want to hurt him and if he had been nervous about it when he first woke up, he was almost frightened now.

"Severus, I..."

"I don't expect you to be an expert at lovemaking, Harry," Severus interrupted him. "I wasn't at your age, but I know that you'll never hurt me intentionally and I..." He paused for a few moments, frowning. "I don't want to always remember my encounter with Amycus when I think about... but it's not about overcoming my fears... at least not in the first place... but about feeling you. Harry, I only want to remember your touch, when I think of sleeping with someone."

A plea resonated in Severus' words and Harry nodded. He understood now because he felt the exact same way. He pressed his lips to Severus' and gave him a reassuring smile.

"I'll do my best," he promised as he summoned the lube and placed it on the nightstand.

"As long as you give me your love, it doesn't matter."

The young Gryffindor smiled through unshed tears.

"That goes without saying!"

Their next kiss was more passionate than the last one.

OOO

Severus groaned.

His body tingled everywhere Harry touched him and as far as he could tell, Harry didn't intend to leave a single part of him untouched. Hot kisses burned their way down over Severus' collarbone to his chest, a pink tongue darting out to lick his left nipple.

Fascinated and not willing to look away, Severus took in the way Harry's lips closed around the dark bud on his chest and... sucked on it.

Severus moaned. He couldn't remember the last time someone, besides Harry, had touched him like that... probably because no one had ever bothered to do so. Severus willed his shaky arms to hold himself upright in order to watch his young lover pay extra attention to his nipples.

Merlin, why hadn't he realised how good such lovely ministrations could feel?

Heat rushed towards Severus' lower body, when Harry gave a final kiss to his already hard nipple before paying attention to the other one. Good thing that today was a Saturday, otherwise... Albus would have had to teach Potions, since not even a troll at his front door would have made Severus leave his bedroom now.

A wandering hand stroked his side, but Severus was still focused on the talented tongue that was treating his nipple like an especially tasty bonbon. When the tip of a sharp tooth pricked the tender flesh of his chest, a shiver ran down Severus' spine. It should embarrass him that a light touch like that could have such an effect on him, but embarrassment was the last thing on Severus' mind as his half-hard member twitched between his thighs.

Harry looked up.

"Sorry, did I hurt you?"

Severus was too busy watching that pink tongue flick over those sinful, tempting lips to do much more than shake his head.

Harry smiled. "Good, because I wouldn't want that."

He looked down at the swollen, tight buds on Severus' chest and frowned. Then he gave the right nipple a playful nudge.

"Mhm, I wonder if I've paid enough attention to both of them."

Severus couldn't help himself, he chuckled.

"Is it just me or are you really so fond of my nipples?"

Harry had the grace to blush, but returned his lover's gaze with a teasing grin nonetheless.

"I'm not only fond of them."

Tender lips met Severus' in a passionate kiss, a warm weight pressing against his lower abdomen when Harry leaned into the kiss, deepening it even more.

Severus' eyes fluttered closed. He had never thought that he would ever feel like this… content with just kissing… aroused by a mere contact of his lover's hard member with his… longing for even more intimacy because of the warm hands wandering over his chest.

Severus gave another moan.

"I'm fond of everything you're willing to give me, Severus."

Harry's words were a mere whisper against his lips. Their eyes met and the warm look in those emerald orbs made Severus' heart clench with hope.

Hope for the impossible.

Severus doubted that Harry had read his mind, but he couldn't find another explanation for what the young man did next.

Harry's lips brushed feathery kisses against the scar that ran across his chest. The kisses were placed on numb skin, but they still managed to burn their way into the pounding heart beneath without effort.

Severus drew in a shaky breath. No one had ever touched his scars like that.

The men he was involved with before had always avoided touching those blemished parts of him... if they even bothered to touch much more than was absolutely necessary to have some fun.

Severus hadn't known that their behavior pained him so much until Harry's mouth kissed his way down, over his upper body towards his abdomen, without leaving out even a single scar.

A breath that he wasn't even aware he was holding in escaped past Severus' lips in a rush.

"I told you that I don't mind your scars, Severus."

Harry's hand stroke the smooth skin of his lover's thighs.

"And it doesn't matter if they are visible or not. I want to see them all, because they are a part of you... and I love you."

Severus swallowed hard and blinked at the same time. At any other day, he would have told Harry off or perhaps even reprimanded him that there was no need to tell him this every five minutes, but Severus didn't mind so much today.

The words and especially the emotions behind them soothed the burning ache in his chest and stopped the bleeding of the wounds his memories had ripped open again.

"Harry..."

Severus didn't know how to say what he felt, but somehow it must have shown in his eyes, because Harry only smiled in understanding.

"Yes, I know."

That was all Harry said and even if he had said more, Severus doubted that he would have been able to get the meaning of his words, when teasing fingers started stroking his firm length.

Determined green eyes were the last thing Severus saw before his arms buckled under him and he fell back onto the bed. A hot mouth had closed around his aching member.

Merlin! Severus gripped hold of the sheets.

It felt so good, so...

Severus couldn't form a single conscious thought as Harry sucked him in and stroke his balls with his fingers at the same time. Pre-cum leaked from his member as a hot tongue teased the tip of it, making Severus shift helplessly on the bed.

He didn't want to come now, but... oh, it felt so wonderful to have Harry's mouth there and if this continued just a little longer then...

Severus groaned in frustration when those skillful lips left his aching length. Cold air brushed against his sensitive, hot skin.

"Harry..."

Severus felt the mattress dip under him and opened his eyes.

"It's all right, Severus."

The Potions Master saw Harry lean towards the nightstand and grab the lube. His heart pounded in his chest. He had said that he wanted this and he didn't for one moment believe that making love with Harry would be anything like that horrific session he had endured.

Severus knew all that, but he couldn't hold back the icy shiver than ran down his spine. Maybe he should have put the memories of his ordeal away, so that the pictures wouldn't be so sharp.

Gentle fingers caressed his cheek, making him blink.

"I promise not to hurt you, Severus, but if you don't want to... just say so and I'll stop."

The reassurance in those expressive eyes and the loving tone in Harry's voice that calmed Severus as he met his lover's gaze.

"I trust you, Harry and I want that... I want you."

A beautiful smile answered his words before sweet and tender lips closed over his Severus'. Without further hesitation, he spread his legs and raised his hips to allow Harry better access to his most intimate places.

A slippery finger started circling his entrance and when Severus didn't protest, pushed inside. He stilled for a moment, waiting to see if the painful memories would intrude, but nothing happened.

Of course not. Severus smiled against Harry's lips and slung an arm around his lover's neck to drew him closer. There weren't any memories relating to this part, since Amycus hadn't bothered to prepare him that time.

Severus' body must have given away his relaxed state since a second finger soon joined the first one, both pushing inside him. Harry must have practiced, Severus decided, when the young man managed to hit his most sensitive spot after only a few attempts.

"I would love to see that, one day," Severus whispered against Harry's lips without conscious thought.

"What?"

The Potions Master shook his head, moaning out loud when a third finger penetrated him.

"Severus!"

Dark eyes blinked open and met Harry's which twinkled teasingly at him.

Oh Merlin, did Harry always look so... sexy?

Severus' breath caught in his throat.

Black, damp strands of hair curled on Harry's forehead, his lips were swollen from their kissing. There were drops of sweat running down his neck and chest that Severus would love to lick up.

"What do you want to see one day?"

Severus shook his head. He wouldn't tell Harry. No, definitely not. Not even when those sinful fingers wriggled in his body and...

"Ah, Harry...!

Severus whimpered.

That wasn't fair.

Harry had obviously hidden his true talent; otherwise Severus would have been prepared for the sudden wave of lust that washed over him, leaving him shaking.

"Tell me, Severus!"

Oh Merlin, did Harry always sound so... sexy?

Severus' breath caught in his throat again. He wondered if Harry also talked to his friends in that sexy, hoarse voice. Severus' mind tried to come up with a spell that would allow only him to hear it, but a sudden movement of Harry's fingers stripped him of every conscious thought.

"You know, I could stop and..."

Harry moved as if he wanted to pull his fingers out, but Severus stopped him with a jerk of his head.

"Don't you dare!"

Severus tried to glare at him, but Harry was either immune to it or it wasn't convincing enough because the young man only grinned at him.

"Then tell me!"

"I..." Severus managed to sigh and groan at the same time as his lover pushed his fingers even deeper into him. "I want to see you practice, one day."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Practice? Do you mean Quidditch?"

If it hadn't been for the telltale glint in Harry's eyes, Severus would have been fooled by the innocent tone.

"You know exactly what I mean."

Harry chuckled. Hot breath brushed against Severus' ear, when the young man leaned towards him.

"You want to watch me take myself off."

"You want to watch me prepare myself with my fingers."

"You want to..."

"Harry!" Severus groaned. Who would have thought that Gryffindors could be so... perfidious?

When he felt those talented fingers leave him, Severus spread his legs wider in protest. He froze when the tip of a well lubed member pressed against his entrance.

A painful memory threatened to emerge from the depths of his mind.

"Look at me!"

Warm, loving green eyes met Severus' searching gaze, their look soothing the fear in his heart. He nodded.

Slowly, very slowly, Harry pushed into his lover.

Severus inhaled sharply. It didn't hurt.

There was only a stretching feeling, but it was nothing he couldn't bear, especially not with Harry looking at him like that. The brows of the young man were furrowed and he bit his lower lip, while grabbing hold of Severus' shoulders to stabilize himself.

Sharp, short breaths escaped past Harry's lips, heat flushing his cheeks attractively. It was obvious that he was holding onto his willpower with that stubborn mind of his so as not to enter his lover in one swift movement.

As much as Severus appreciated it, he didn't want Harry to treat him like he would break if he went any faster. He was certain now that his memories wouldn't emerge anymore, not after their sharp edges had been smoothened by Harry's loving attentions.

"Harry," Severus raised his legs higher. "I'm not made of glass."

Their eyes locked. Harry seemed to be searching for something in his eyes because he nodded once, a relieved breath escaping his lips.

A moan followed swiftly afterwards, although no one would have been able to tell who had uttered it when Harry pushed into Severus, seating his entire length inside him.

They didn't need long to find their rhythm.

After Harry's restraint shattered, he didn't hold back any longer. Sweat glistened on his chest as he moved inside Severus. Their breaths mingled together and was soon, there was a litany of heated screams and needy moans.

Harry's hand closed around Severus' erection and stroke it every time he pushed into him.

Severus wouldn't have been able to tell his own name then because wave after wave of pure lust were rushing through his body, stealing his breath away. Desire burned in his veins and pushed him closer to the edge with every move that Harry made.

"Ah... Yes!"

Severus threw his head back as the tip of Harry's erection hit his prostate. His nerve endings were on fire and that last, unexpected jolt of sensation was just too much to bear.

Screaming and holding onto Harry's arms for dear life, Severus came between them.

The blood whooshed in his ears.

His heart hammered against his chest.

Colored spots danced behind Severus' closed eyelids.

Then a warm, slippery fluid filled his insides and a warm body collapsed on top of him. It took him a while before he was able to think again.

"Harry," he pushed at the sweat slicked shoulder.

"Mhm, sorry." Exhausted, Harry rolled off Severus and lay next to him, his head bedded on his lover's chest.

"Spell!"

Normally Severus would have cleaned them himself, but if Harry was able to claim him then he was certainly also able to... Ah, obviously the young Gryffindor didn't only practice body related activities.

Warm covers were pulled up to cover their naked, but clean bodies. Silence closed in around them.

Severus felt Harry's breath evening out against his skin and looked down at the young man.

Harry's eyes were half closed. Although his sinful lips were curved in a small smile and his cheeks flushed with passion, Harry still managed to look like an innocent angel.

Severus swallowed hard.

"Thank you," he murmured and pressed his lips to the young man's disheveled hair.

Warmth seeped from Harry's body into Severus, replacing the despair in his heart with a tender feeling of love.

For the first time in three years, Severus felt like he could forgive himself and let go of the past.


End file.
